My 10 Day Cleanse Day-by-Day

So one of the things I decided to do during my Transformation was to make a small video clip at the end of each day just describing it's events. My feelings, my emotions & my struggles so I could go back and reflect on how it was for me AND in case anyone else was curious about what it was like day to day, they could also see.

After each video I watched it back and a couple of times I found myself getting drawn into what I was saying and tears would form.  As I watched each clip I saw a woman that was foreign to me.  For a few years now every time I saw a picture of myself, most times I would delete it or just be the photographer cause, well, I hated the way I looked. So seeing myself talk back to me was more than I was ready for.  I saw my expressions and gestures (that my husband says I can't speak without) that I use on a daily basis but what was really difficult is I saw a woman who was of NO reflection of how I felt deep down inside.  So as I would watch & listen to myself speak it was like listening to someone else whom I could relate to and in the end, when she said "You can do this too" it was ME telling MYSELF that I CAN DO THIS.  

I'm so proud of myself for stepping out of the box and recording each day. I am not an elegant speaker and clearly I am not a "movie ready" kind of gal but who cares. It's just me.  It's just the most honest way this 41 year old woman could emotionally convey what I experienced each day and if just 1 person is able to benefit and find their inner strength to get healthy, then it was all worth it REGARDLESS of how unflattering the video is.  So please be kind, I'm not trying to win any Emmys here, just an honest & raw video of my 10 Day Transformation Cleanse.

Day 1 of 10 to Cleanse

So my new journey has begun but this time it is TOTALLY different than any other time. This time I am going about it in such a healthy way. A CLEAN way. A way that will leave me healthier than I have ever been in my life.

Here I am, so excited to have all my supplies and ready to start!

I'm starting my process this time with a cleanse.  I'm giving back to myself by taking 10 days to clean out all the sugar, fat, processed foods, GMOs and more out of my system.  This will help me BREAK the addiction roller coaster.  Now it doesn't mean I will be "all better" from my food addiction BUT it will help to break the craving cycle that only complicates my addiction.  

I'll keep you updated with my progress, I have some great before photos that will go up with my after photos 10 days from now.  In the meantime I will check in at the half way point to let you know how I'm feeling.

There is no going back, it's time to take my health back and feed my cells the way they deserve to be treated. I'm gonna take care of ME from the inside and the outside will follow!

Now don't worry, don't think that it's only going to take 10 days to heal the inside, THIS is only the beginning, I already have a plan in place after the 10 days are up, nutrition & clean eating are my game plan, but these first 10 days will be my "Starting Line" so to speak for a whole new race!

THE STRUGGLE......why do I eat... (because I hate food) ???

     This past week I had a conversation with someone about my food addiction. I find it a little easier to talk about now and I believe that this last year and writing this blog has really helped.  So whether this is read by others or not, expressing myself here has allowed me to analyze and really think about what I'm doing.

     So back to what I asked, "Why do I eat?"  Most people eat because they are hungry and they want to fuel their bodies. That is part of it, I mean I do get hungry but I have never ate to fuel my body.  Think about those words for a minute, "FUEL   YOUR  BODY"  Oh, you mean there is a purpose for eating?????  Imagine that!  As I have talked about before, I grew up with little to no nutrition advice, our family ate what we could afford, fruits & vegetables were only when we visited certain relatives or friends, ask any of my family, I grew up on macaroni & cheese with fish sticks (and not the name brand OH NO!)  I remember as a kid wanting the Kraft brand cause their noodles were curved and we always got the generic AND our fish sticks were FLAT, not round like the Gorton's brand.  LOL  The things we recall huh?

     I even remember my father at the end of the table, his 4 daughters (under 10 yrs old) around the table and him not eating, why? He was waiting to make sure we all got enough to eat before he would eat. So when dinner was there, you ate all that you were given till you were full. Going to grandma's house was a treat 'cause she always had 'the good food'.  I won't go into all the yummies that grandma had, but you all know how it is. Mine always had name brand foods and THAT was great!  So many of my childhood memories were about food.  Those things shape us and we don't even know it at the time.

     Jump just 31 years in the future to today (yes that gives away my age for those of you who want to do the math) and I struggle EVERY DAY with food.

I HATE IT!  I HATE THAT FOOD IS AN ISSUE!  I HATE THAT FOOD IS A PROBLEM!  

I HATE FOOD!

......and yet I LOVE it at the same time.  A LOVE / HATE relationship with anything can be deadly and I feel that is where I am. I am at a point that if I don't mend my relationship with food soon, it could lead to death, or a version of life that is so unpleasant that I don't want to live.

     So....WHY do I eat?  I eat for every other reason EXCEPT for being hungry.  Those of you who don't struggle with any sort of eating issue are like "Huh...what do you mean eating doesn't have to do with hunger....of course it does."  Well guess what......there are many of us out here that struggle every day with food and WISH we didn't!
So then, what are my reasons for eating, I made a list..... (in no particular order)

• Angry
• Sad
• Worried
• Frustrated
• Lonely
• Bored
• Happy
• Excited
• Depressed
• Disappointed
• Trapped
• Let Down
• Celebratory
• Pissed Off! (sorry to use that word but it happens)
• Anxiety
• Feeling left out
• Unimportant
• Useless

     Get the picture, just about every feeling I can have takes me to food. Now yes, Happy is in there, and why is that? Well even when I am getting together with friends or doing something fun, it revolves around food. Whether we cook or go out to eat I feel that way. So yeah, just about any emotion you can think leads to food, NEVER hunger.  Oh sure, if I get hungry I eat but that doesn't happen much cause I have already eaten for all the other reasons so I don't let myself get hungry.  And something else I have learned in this last year, I fear getting hungry. HUH?  I don't know but when it comes time for a meal whether at home or out somewhere else, there is a little worry wort in my head that is concerned if I will get 'enough' to eat.

That is the FIRST time I have EVER admitted that out loud.  But it's true.  I wish I knew why or where that started cause I have never gone hungry but I worry about not being 'full".  People talk about eating til their satisfied but for me, I can't judge that feeling, full is when you can't eat any more and THAT my friends is another part of my problem, portion control. But that is for another day. Now you know why I eat, I am so ashamed this is the case and I am so embarrassed right now for admitting all this BUT it's the truth.  I have to believe I am not alone in this but if I am, now you know a little more about me and my struggle.  

Hills & Valleys - I'm struggling to climb back up

     It's been 2 weeks since my last post and I'm sorry about that. I've been so busy and had some intense things going on. Not to mention all the back to school stuff that I was NOT ready for. I'm trying to be as involved as I can from the beginning of the school year so it will go better than her last. 

     Some things that have happened I can't really go into and others are just the NUMEROUS things a wife/mom has to do.  What I can say is I have gotten overwhelmed, stressed & allowed 'me' to fall to the back burner. When I first started this journey I was making sure my diet & exercise came first and with much success, but something happened, something has caused me to loose focus and "give in".  I sort of know the point but again, I can't really discuss it here but I assure you it's a legitimate stressed.   I'm so mad at myself for doing that. This was going to be the year, MY YEAR to not do what I always do, give in and say "what's the use". I normally barely make it 2 weeks, so to make it 10 is a huge accomplishment.

    I have totally derailed, each day is a new hope. I eat properly, have my mid morning Snack and lunch will usually go ok. (I say usually). But by 3-4:00 I'm stressed, worried, overwhelmed, tearing up and say, who cares!  Then I eat what i want. Yes, I have to admit, there have been some fast food moments. Only 1 that was just terrible, others have been borderline. What does that mean, well I will still get the grilled chicken sand BUT I get the fries. Or I skip the fires and gets a shake. I KNOW, I KNOW, I'm so sorry, you guys deserve so much better from me than that. But my will power goes OUT the window (sorry for the pun) and I loose all strength to make the right choice. RIGHT NOW I am typing this and thinking about lunch and what I WANT to eat instead of what I should. I HATE that feeling. 

    They say that we are in total control of what we put in our mouths. We can control what we eat so that is what gives us the ultimate control of it all. but for some reason I see eating right is not what my 'heart' wants. It's what I'm supposed to eat so it's not MY CHOICE. Does that make any sense?  I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to FEEL good..........so why are those wants not stronger than my WANT to eat Mexican? (which I haven't done, I just have been thinking about it). I know I'm headed on a downward spiral, I see it coming. I see myself starting to withdraw & I don't want to completely de-rail. I want to catch it now but I'm not sure how to pick myself up from this at the moment. 

     I was watching an episode of Extreme Weight Loss and I couldn't hold back the tears. I NEED someone who can look into me and understand what I'm going through. Someone who can say "you are feeling this because of this" and help me learn how to figure it out. I have been so fortunate with what has come my way thus far, a great trainer, ability to work out at a gym as much as I need & wonderful people supporting me. But I recognize I still need a lot of help. I guess writing all this down is my first step to facing it and then dealing with it. 

     So right now I am seriously frustrated with myself & how I have been handling things. I have been putting on a strong face & smile for those who do see me and avoiding the others.  Today is my training session with Jumaane. I don't know if I can tell him all this, I don't want to let him down, I want to be strong and make a change that he can be proud of. So why can't I just be proud of me? Why don't I worry about disappointing myself. 

     Gotta figure out how to get through this.