Hills & Valleys - I'm struggling to climb back up

     It's been 2 weeks since my last post and I'm sorry about that. I've been so busy and had some intense things going on. Not to mention all the back to school stuff that I was NOT ready for. I'm trying to be as involved as I can from the beginning of the school year so it will go better than her last. 

     Some things that have happened I can't really go into and others are just the NUMEROUS things a wife/mom has to do.  What I can say is I have gotten overwhelmed, stressed & allowed 'me' to fall to the back burner. When I first started this journey I was making sure my diet & exercise came first and with much success, but something happened, something has caused me to loose focus and "give in".  I sort of know the point but again, I can't really discuss it here but I assure you it's a legitimate stressed.   I'm so mad at myself for doing that. This was going to be the year, MY YEAR to not do what I always do, give in and say "what's the use". I normally barely make it 2 weeks, so to make it 10 is a huge accomplishment.

    I have totally derailed, each day is a new hope. I eat properly, have my mid morning Snack and lunch will usually go ok. (I say usually). But by 3-4:00 I'm stressed, worried, overwhelmed, tearing up and say, who cares!  Then I eat what i want. Yes, I have to admit, there have been some fast food moments. Only 1 that was just terrible, others have been borderline. What does that mean, well I will still get the grilled chicken sand BUT I get the fries. Or I skip the fires and gets a shake. I KNOW, I KNOW, I'm so sorry, you guys deserve so much better from me than that. But my will power goes OUT the window (sorry for the pun) and I loose all strength to make the right choice. RIGHT NOW I am typing this and thinking about lunch and what I WANT to eat instead of what I should. I HATE that feeling. 

    They say that we are in total control of what we put in our mouths. We can control what we eat so that is what gives us the ultimate control of it all. but for some reason I see eating right is not what my 'heart' wants. It's what I'm supposed to eat so it's not MY CHOICE. Does that make any sense?  I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to FEEL good..........so why are those wants not stronger than my WANT to eat Mexican? (which I haven't done, I just have been thinking about it). I know I'm headed on a downward spiral, I see it coming. I see myself starting to withdraw & I don't want to completely de-rail. I want to catch it now but I'm not sure how to pick myself up from this at the moment. 

     I was watching an episode of Extreme Weight Loss and I couldn't hold back the tears. I NEED someone who can look into me and understand what I'm going through. Someone who can say "you are feeling this because of this" and help me learn how to figure it out. I have been so fortunate with what has come my way thus far, a great trainer, ability to work out at a gym as much as I need & wonderful people supporting me. But I recognize I still need a lot of help. I guess writing all this down is my first step to facing it and then dealing with it. 

     So right now I am seriously frustrated with myself & how I have been handling things. I have been putting on a strong face & smile for those who do see me and avoiding the others.  Today is my training session with Jumaane. I don't know if I can tell him all this, I don't want to let him down, I want to be strong and make a change that he can be proud of. So why can't I just be proud of me? Why don't I worry about disappointing myself. 

     Gotta figure out how to get through this. 

My New Milestone Charm - I'm so Proud!

How has everyone been doing.  I am still plugging along.  

I'm so excited, lost another 2 lbs and am now down 27.6 lbs!  

Woot! Woot!

Little by little I am chipping away, learning how to LIVE with a healthier lifestyle. I'm not focusing so much on the pounds but on the overall change, which is what is most important right?

I enjoyed my pedicure when I hit my 25lb milestone and it was so nice, but I wanted something a little more permanent.

Something that would show me my milestones all along the way, that I could look at daily, reflect on and remember just how far I had come.

I mentioned in a post before that I have a crafty side. Yes I love to create items with a Shabby chic & Vintage flair and I sell them at a local Antique market & online on Etsy.  So I have a true appreciation for the small business person and I love to be able to support fellow crafters like myself.  So I found Shealyn who makes hand stamped jewelry at Clearique Boutique on Etsy. She has some beautiful items that caught my attention but none that were exactly what I wanted. So I sent her an email and we put our heads together. Several conversations later she created this just for me:

"Find Your Strength  *  Never Give Up"

25

This is for my first 25lbs I have lost, never to go back on me, stamped into this pendant to remind me of how hard I worked to get here.  As I reach my next milestones, which ever I choose them to be, I will get those pounds on disks to add to my necklace.

Until ALL the weight is gone from my body and hanging on this pendant, never to return. 

She can do something very similar for you too, a pendant, bracelet  key chain, mirror charm, whatever. Please visit her Etsy Shop and look around at least, she has so much to choose from that I know you will see something you like.

So I send a HUGE Shout Out to a very talented woman for her patience & talent in working with me to design the exact piece I needed to hang around my neck and remind me that 

I Do Have the Strength to Never Give Up!

7 Weeks & Counting

    Well it seems like just yesterday I started this journey.  I can't believe it's been 7 weeks now already.  

     I haven't been able to stick to any sort of healthy eating plan for  more than 2-3 in quite some time.  So I will say this is definitely an accomplishment.  I can tell my enthusiasm is slowing and because I can't physically see my changes I can hear those voices saying, "It's not working" or "take a break it won't matter anyway" and while I KNOW that is not true it's hard not to listen to them.  But I WILL plug on.  I have to make this time different. I have quit so many times.  I have tried and failed so many times. I have defeated myself more than motivated so many times that THIS time has to be different. THIS time I want to learn how overcome my obstacles, pick myself up when I fall and find strength from within that I didn't know I had.  I know it's there, just have to find it.

     Ok, ok, enough with that.  This is what I am battling with BUT if I focus on that I will get too overwhelmed and I haven't learned, just yet, how to really overcome it so I am going to focus on what my new POSITIVES are and the things that are giving me a little push.

     This weekend was really nice, we had a cookout and got to meet my niece Faith whom I have only seen pictures and the very next day Faith's little sister Grace entered the world.  We have been talking about taking a cruise. We love to cruise and are always on the lookout for a great deal and that is what we found. Hubby Max has been waiting this particular cruise in December that the price was just too good to pass us. So when his parents were at the house this weekend we asked them if they would like to go to the Bahamas. (there is some history there, my father-in-law worked on a ship called the Tropic Rover in his 20's that docked in the Bahamas, he has some really amazing pics of him as a young man in Nassau) Max has always wanted to take his Dad back there & let him see Nassau one more time and since this year is their 40th Wedding Anniversary it just seemed like a good time. So when they said yes, we all sat around and looked at old family cruise pics, YouTube videos and got excited for a trip. That night we did it, WE BOOKED THE CRUISE!!!

     So everyone, I now have a 5 month reward to work toward. But even before then, in 7 weeks we have a special event that we are attending as a family that I am looking forward to. Every year in the summer we attend a bible convention, usually held in Gwinnett, its 3 days.  Now what I wear or how I look is FAR less important in the scheme of things compared to the importance & value of information that we will partake in that weekend, but ladies, we all want to look nice no matter where we go and well, it wold be nice to have a new dress or FIT into one in my closet actually.

     Ok, so to wrap it up, let's see where I am and kinds the direction I am heading into the next 7 weeks.

After 7 weeks I've lost 24 lbs!  I hit 268.4, finally broke out of the 270's!!!!

Yep, 24 lbs guys, 1 lbs shy of my pedicure so you KNOW what I WILL be doing next week!

DOWN 24 lbs in 7 weeks

7 WEEK Goal by Aug. 16 - Lose 15 lbs / Weigh at least 253.4

I think I can do it, what do you think???

Now, I want to find a goal in between the 7 weeks & 5 month for the cruise, but between now & Dec. 8 which is 5 months & 1 week, I want to hit 200 lbs, that means I would have to lose 68.4 lbs.

Is that reasonable? Is that possible? Can I do it?

I  THINK  I  CAN !!

I  KNOW  I  CAN !!!!

WHO IS WITH ME????????????

Any suggestions on some in between goals to help break it down and keep me motivated?  

The 6 Week Milestone

6 WEEKS !!  WooHoo !!  

     Well it has been a few days since I posted, my last one was really hard to put out there and my bad day has had it's residual effects.  I took the weekend to just decompress.  I had been go, go, going so much with work, training, trying to get trained on a small work-from-home PT gig to help with the money situation and I think it all just took a toll on me.  So I literally did NOTHING on Saturday (didn't even get dressed) and my brained needed it.

     So Monday rolled around and I said, "get right back on that horse".  It's not like I really "fell off" so to speak but I just lost my 'Umph"  you know.  I have not been able to stick to any sort of 'diet' plan (yeah I said the D word but only for description sake, we ALL KNOW this is a lifestyle) for more than 2 weeks so to make it to the 6 week mark is a big deal. Monday night was boot camp and I have some great pictures from that. It was a great workout, my chest was on FIRE from the intense Thunder/Lightening round on the elliptical. Then we went to floor work where we worked our chest, arms & abs.  What a great workout, it's Wednesday and my abs are still feeling it!

Here we are all doing "6 inches" which means we have to lift our legs 6 in. off the ground while touching our neighbors feet and hold it.

Believe me it was a lot harder than it looks!

We all have 25 lb weights in our hands and we
would lift them for 60 seconds THEN hold
them up while we lifted and lowered our legs.

THIS is what got to my abs!

Lastly just a close up of me while lifting the weight, yeah I know it's a little blurry BUT I
was movin' to get the reps in !

My arms were feeling it!

All in all it was a good day. 

I still have this weird nagging in the back of my mind.

Not sure what it is but I need to stay positive and start focusing on the big picture and my goal that is just around the corner. Oh yeah, which brings me to a subject I need some help with.  All my life I would reward myself with dinner, ice cream stuff like that.  

Well I need to find some new rewards, things that would be fun and really help me feel special for reaching a milestone. 

What I want is for YOU GUYS to help pick my rewards.  So please comment below what you think would be a good reward at different milestones.  

So here are my results after 6 weeks:

Start Weight:  292.4                Current: 270.4

22 pounds gone !

I shared my inches in the last post but just in case:

Arms: 19 in                  17.5 in
Chest: 53 in                     49 in

Waist: 50 in                     45 in

Hips: 60 in                   57.5 in

Thigh: 34 in                    33 in

14 inches gone !

My first goal was to loose 25 lbs, that goal is just around the corner. I would have loved to have done that in 6 weeks but I had not thought that originally so I am not going to stress.

So:

Goal #1:  Loose 25 lbs.                    Get a pedicure!

Now many of you will say, "what that is not much of a reward, I get those all the time". Well funds have been VERY tight for our family and I haven't had one in almost 2 years. Yep I said it, my little piggies need some tending and I am only 3 lbs away from a pampering day. So I can't wait for that.

I have no other goals other than the obvious weight milestones, so can y'all help me please!!!

It's about to get real

Good morning everyone.

Sunrise in Cocoa Beach Fla.

Whew have I had a tiring week so far and it's only Thursday morning.
I am so glad it's only 2 more days until the weekend.  Funny how we say that because if most of you moms, wives or ladies out there are like me, the weekend doesn't really mean rest, there are a butt load of chores, laundry, errands, tasks and the like that have to be accomplished but yet, we still look forward to it. There is just something about Friday night til Sunday that has a bit of "Ahhhhhhhh" that the other days can not provide and regardless of what I have in store, I am looking forward to it?  I would love to hear what you look forward to on the weekends......

So now, what is about to get real?  Well I'll tell you.  As you know Monday was my first initial workout with my new trainer Jumaane and it was boot camp style.  You know there were 6 of us ladies out there, all in approx. the same physical condition (thought I was the newbie) doing our best at a beginners bootcamp and we got a good workout for sure.

Yesterday was my first one-on-one session with Jumaane and it was my fitness assessment, you know to see what I am capable of (or incapable of in my mind). None the less, we proceeded. After a brief warm up on the treadmill to see what my heart rate looked like we did some slight stretching and THEN came my drills. Now ladies don't get scared (because I sure was), it was just to see what I could do.  This was not a TEST or a COMPETITION, but if any of you saw last seasons Biggest Loser where they had the 3 young people on there, remember they had them do as many push ups & sit ups in like 60 seconds, then they came back a couple of months later to see where they were. That was pretty much what this was.   We basically saw what my abilities were. What are my strengths, flexibility, balance, etc. All the while he encouraged me to keep it up he said, don't hurt yourself, do what you can do comfortably.  So I did.   Well NO SURPRISE I have some work to do, but that is what is expected right. I mean I'm currently now 130 lbs overweight and haven't being doing anything other than short 15 min walks, so my muscles need some conditioning.  But NOW he knows what we need to work on. Now come Friday he will have a plan for my first official one-on-one training session which I am sure will be feeling for a couple of days after.  But change is good, not always easy or comfortable but soooo worth it.

My actual bkfst before I tore into it!
I'm hungry in the morning ladies

So I sit here this morning, eating my breakfast which is no special secrete, just well rounded to keep me full and give me energy to take on the day, what are you having?  I have water, hot tea, 1 egg (no butter) on a whole grain english muffin (no butter either) with a 1/4 cup of low fat granola
& 4 oz. of skim milk and I must say I have finished it and feel quite satisfied.  Yes the granola is Nutrisystem but everything else is from my own kitchen.  One of the things I think the Nutrisystem plan is teaching me is portion sizes and I really have an obscure view of that.  Well talk about that later.  Gotta get to the gym (for work not a work out), my kid's room kids will be waiting for me if I'm not there on time, this week we are making Trophies for dad and they LOVE their craft activities!

Make today great and do something, anything, good for you so you feel worth while because we are all worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for. I am still trying to believe that myself but if we tell each other we will start to believe it ourselves!  Muuuaaahhhhh!

Before Photos & when it all started.

     So there is a lot to explain about me and yet I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg about what I think makes me EAT.  But I am not some lady with a warped sense of how my body looks. I am not going "oh I'm so fat,  my size 6 jeans are too tight and I need to loose 15 lbs"  I only WISH that was my problem.  No, I am for real, I wear a size 24 and need to loose half my body weight. So this is not joke for me at all.  So without further adieu, here are my before pictures of me at 292 lbs.  These are the exact ones I sent to Extreme Weight Loss only a month ago, no touching up or anything (not that it would help)  I can't believe I am putting these out there but if I was willing to go on a national TV show then I can't be scared now:

So here I am in all my glory, not pleased with these photos at all. As I look at them I cry as what I have become.  But it's not only how I look, it's how I feel.  I have been heavy all my life and after my 2 pregnancies I was my highest at 255 w/ my first in 1995 and 271 after  my second in 2004.  But even then I did not FEEL as bad as I do now. I have severe back pain, I have a bulging disk at my L5 (I believe) which is pressing on my Sciatic Nerve, the pain is just too much some days, I start my day off with Aleve & ibuprofen every morning.  Then to my knees.  Last year around September is when the left knee started, it would just grind when I would bend or go up & down the stairs. It was mostly the sound but after about 4 months the sound started hurting.  Then about 3 months ago in March the right knee started it's own noise, it's like I was creating my own rhythm as I take the stairs, now the pain along with the noise. No let up.  It's the kind of pain that it hurts but doesn't stop me in my tracks....yet.  Of course I am just tired all the time, no energy and become exhausted very easily when any exertion is done.  For sure being this heavy later in life is much harder on my body than it was just 5 years ago.

My first 'big' picture (we will NOT use the 'F' word here) was when I was only 7 yrs old.  It was 1981, I had just finished spending the summer with my Italian grandmother (who I miss dearly) and they flew me back home to Ga. from my hometown of Melbourne Fl.  Now up until then I was a normal fit little girl. Very average in size and was even an ice skater, so a little athletic in that aspect.  After the local competitions were over (I won 1st place by the way, one of my few accomplishments I can brag about I guess) I went to visit my grandmother in Florida.  At the end of the summer upon my return home via Eastern Airline (I STILL remember this moment like it was yesterday) I was getting off the place in Atlanta and as I entered the gate where parents were waiting for me and my mother yelled, "Donna Jean, your a little butter ball"  This was the very first thing I heard before my family even got to me. I don't remember the ride home, I don't remember much else of that trip EXCEPT THOSE WORDS when I saw them. Burned in my brain is that moment as if it happened just yesterday and that is when I knew my size was different and it was an issue for me from then on.  Mom always was telling people how she had to shop in the 'pretty plus' section of  the store. Anybody else remember that term from the 80's. I believe it was Sears or JCP who had "Pretty Plus"  Regardless, it was always an issue finding clothes for me apparently.
When I look back at the few pictures I have, I don't SEE it but I remember hearing all about it and the rest of my life I looked at all the other girls (and my 3 younger sisters) and thought, "why me" why did I have to be the one with a weight problem.

My mother was always good about pointing out the areas we need to disguise through our clothing or comparing features. I HATE that about myself. I hate that I compare parts of my body to others and WISH!  Moms, if I can tell you one thing NOT to do to your daughters is DON'T EVER compare them to anyone else. Never make them feel as if a part of their body is inferior to anyone else's. Even if they do need to eat healthier then do it loving as a family while telling them how beautiful they are and how special they are.  What you tell them now will live with them the rest of their lives.  If you get nothing out of all I have written thus far please take this, because my heart breaks for so many who feel less than they are worth because of this one thing.