5 Days down and 5 TO GO......

So I promised to keep you updated along the way and I am HAPPY to report that I am seeing positive changes in my health with this cleanse.  Here are some of the wonderful changes I have noticed:

• Cravings have subsided
• my dizzy spells have stopped 98%
• my mental clarity is better & my overall well-being feels great
• my back hurts less as the inflammation in my body has reduced
• I have natural energy, no sluggish all the time
• I look forward to healthy foods
• my skin is clearing up
• I have slept like a baby EVERY night
• oh and did I mention my cravings have practically stopped!!!

Don't get me wrong, when one of those pizza or restaurant commercials come on I think "Boy, that looks so yummy" but then my mind immediately goes, do I want to put that in my body???"   And that my friends is so empowering.

Ok, so here is what you really want to know, did cleaning out my system and nourishing is so well for 5 days have any result on my weight?................YES  IT  DID !  See for yourself:

Here is my weight beginning on Day 1

Now here it is on the morning of Day 6 

(just 5 short days later) 

Do I need to do the the math for you.. 11.2 lbs in 5 days.

Let me say that again. 11.2 lbs in 5 days  and I feel amazing. I am so proud of myself, not only do I feel good on the inside but mentally I feel so much better and what have I been saying, "when you take care of the inside the outside will follow".

So if you want to no miss out in a few days when I post my before & after pic including the amount of weight and inches I have lost, please sign up for my updates or save my page. And if you would like to know more about what I am doing contact me as well. I am not done, I will be doing this for a while and we can do it together. I am hoping I can help others who struggle just like me to overcome these feelings & cravings to take back control of their life and their health 1 day at a time!

Day 1 of 10 to Cleanse

So my new journey has begun but this time it is TOTALLY different than any other time. This time I am going about it in such a healthy way. A CLEAN way. A way that will leave me healthier than I have ever been in my life.

Here I am, so excited to have all my supplies and ready to start!

I'm starting my process this time with a cleanse.  I'm giving back to myself by taking 10 days to clean out all the sugar, fat, processed foods, GMOs and more out of my system.  This will help me BREAK the addiction roller coaster.  Now it doesn't mean I will be "all better" from my food addiction BUT it will help to break the craving cycle that only complicates my addiction.  

I'll keep you updated with my progress, I have some great before photos that will go up with my after photos 10 days from now.  In the meantime I will check in at the half way point to let you know how I'm feeling.

There is no going back, it's time to take my health back and feed my cells the way they deserve to be treated. I'm gonna take care of ME from the inside and the outside will follow!

Now don't worry, don't think that it's only going to take 10 days to heal the inside, THIS is only the beginning, I already have a plan in place after the 10 days are up, nutrition & clean eating are my game plan, but these first 10 days will be my "Starting Line" so to speak for a whole new race!

It's time for something new ............. Getting Clean

     So often when you hear this term you may think of an addict overcoming their addiction, drugs or alcohol are the first that may come to mind but you usually don't think of someone extremely overweight.  Since last year when I started this blog I learned a lot about "Eating Clean" but not from drugs or alcohol...from food.

     What do I mean, "Eating Clean".  I have been on all the diets, you name it I've given it a try and 1 of my most successful times (5 yrs ago) I supplemented my diet with protein shakes & bars.  But as you can see here I am back in the same predicament.  Now when I think of doing that again I have this conflict in my head. What is causing this conflict??? The knowledge I have acquired about Clean Eating is butting heads with using processed foods to get healthy.

     I really am at a point now that I want to be healthy. I want to FEEL GOOD!  I am tired of the aches and pains that come from the weight.  Thinking about another 'diet' and focusing on my size & the number on the scale stresses me out. 

     Now when I think about eating healthy, cleaning out my body, feeding my cells, feeding my body, suddenly I feel positive. I feel excited about taking care of me.   Who cares what the scale says, if I know my body is being cared for from the inside that seems to relieve the stress of worrying what I look like on the outside.  (but guess what, when you take care of the inside, the outside follows)  

So what do I do, I need to be informed. I need to educate myself.

I need to make a commitment to MYSELF to take care of ME!

I'm on a path to something better for ME & I can't wait to see how much better I feel. No more 'almosts' or 'do-overs', my health is on the line.  Being able to WALK is on the line and I'm not ready at 41 yrs old to give up!

THE STRUGGLE......why do I eat... (because I hate food) ???

     This past week I had a conversation with someone about my food addiction. I find it a little easier to talk about now and I believe that this last year and writing this blog has really helped.  So whether this is read by others or not, expressing myself here has allowed me to analyze and really think about what I'm doing.

     So back to what I asked, "Why do I eat?"  Most people eat because they are hungry and they want to fuel their bodies. That is part of it, I mean I do get hungry but I have never ate to fuel my body.  Think about those words for a minute, "FUEL   YOUR  BODY"  Oh, you mean there is a purpose for eating?????  Imagine that!  As I have talked about before, I grew up with little to no nutrition advice, our family ate what we could afford, fruits & vegetables were only when we visited certain relatives or friends, ask any of my family, I grew up on macaroni & cheese with fish sticks (and not the name brand OH NO!)  I remember as a kid wanting the Kraft brand cause their noodles were curved and we always got the generic AND our fish sticks were FLAT, not round like the Gorton's brand.  LOL  The things we recall huh?

     I even remember my father at the end of the table, his 4 daughters (under 10 yrs old) around the table and him not eating, why? He was waiting to make sure we all got enough to eat before he would eat. So when dinner was there, you ate all that you were given till you were full. Going to grandma's house was a treat 'cause she always had 'the good food'.  I won't go into all the yummies that grandma had, but you all know how it is. Mine always had name brand foods and THAT was great!  So many of my childhood memories were about food.  Those things shape us and we don't even know it at the time.

     Jump just 31 years in the future to today (yes that gives away my age for those of you who want to do the math) and I struggle EVERY DAY with food.

I HATE IT!  I HATE THAT FOOD IS AN ISSUE!  I HATE THAT FOOD IS A PROBLEM!  

I HATE FOOD!

......and yet I LOVE it at the same time.  A LOVE / HATE relationship with anything can be deadly and I feel that is where I am. I am at a point that if I don't mend my relationship with food soon, it could lead to death, or a version of life that is so unpleasant that I don't want to live.

     So....WHY do I eat?  I eat for every other reason EXCEPT for being hungry.  Those of you who don't struggle with any sort of eating issue are like "Huh...what do you mean eating doesn't have to do with hunger....of course it does."  Well guess what......there are many of us out here that struggle every day with food and WISH we didn't!
So then, what are my reasons for eating, I made a list..... (in no particular order)

• Angry
• Sad
• Worried
• Frustrated
• Lonely
• Bored
• Happy
• Excited
• Depressed
• Disappointed
• Trapped
• Let Down
• Celebratory
• Pissed Off! (sorry to use that word but it happens)
• Anxiety
• Feeling left out
• Unimportant
• Useless

     Get the picture, just about every feeling I can have takes me to food. Now yes, Happy is in there, and why is that? Well even when I am getting together with friends or doing something fun, it revolves around food. Whether we cook or go out to eat I feel that way. So yeah, just about any emotion you can think leads to food, NEVER hunger.  Oh sure, if I get hungry I eat but that doesn't happen much cause I have already eaten for all the other reasons so I don't let myself get hungry.  And something else I have learned in this last year, I fear getting hungry. HUH?  I don't know but when it comes time for a meal whether at home or out somewhere else, there is a little worry wort in my head that is concerned if I will get 'enough' to eat.

That is the FIRST time I have EVER admitted that out loud.  But it's true.  I wish I knew why or where that started cause I have never gone hungry but I worry about not being 'full".  People talk about eating til their satisfied but for me, I can't judge that feeling, full is when you can't eat any more and THAT my friends is another part of my problem, portion control. But that is for another day. Now you know why I eat, I am so ashamed this is the case and I am so embarrassed right now for admitting all this BUT it's the truth.  I have to believe I am not alone in this but if I am, now you know a little more about me and my struggle.  

Back at it again.

     I can't believe it has almost been a year since my last post.  So much has happened (and not happened).  One thing that definitely has NOT happened is any success in my weight loss. My struggles continue.  My food addiction continues, I just can't seem to beat it.  I have tried SO MANY times in the last year to "get back on tract" and a couple of times have started well but always end up the same, falling off the wagon and eating whatever I can get my hands on.  (I actually would have brain surgery if it would stop me from thinking about food all the time)  I know my family is disappointed in me though they never say it, but I can tell. I just pretend like I can't.  It's the elephant in the room.  I think if I had never lost the weight before maybe it wouldn't be so awkward but I have and now that it is back and my try/fail record is stacking up, well, it's the subject that everyone wants cleared up but no one wants to address.  I am sure they don't want to hurt my feelings and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I can't bear to discuss it, so I pretend it doesn't exist on the outside while I am dying on the inside.

     So what is new with me right now?  Well I am trying again.  Giving it another go. I think the fact that I keep trying shows there is something inside of me that is not ready to give up although a few times over this past year in my mind I have been like, "be happy with yourself" or "just learn to love who you are and how you look" but it's just words, that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I am SO unhappy with myself right now that it's absolutely pitiful. I think if I heard anyone else say out loud the things that I am saying in my head I would think that person was utterly hopeless and yet, that is how I feel sometimes.

     There is one thing I have come to learn about myself, when I can not control my "diet" and am throwing all caution to the wind, for the moment there is a huge weight off my shoulders BUT I start becoming very negative in other areas of my life, taking care of my home, being a mom, a friend, a wife.  I beat myself up and it starts to show in my productivity.
     Now on the other hand when I am taking control and being successful at it, it's like a new life in my steps.  I hold my head up, I am more positive about what I am doing, if I fall short, "No Biggie" it's just an error, I fix it and move on instead of dwell on it and hold it against myself.  I am my worst critic, I can overlook the largest of mistakes or flaws in others but highlight and emphasize the tiniest of my own.  I think I really hate what I have become, or allowed myself to become, so much as I don't feel I am worth of even the simplest reward.  I don't want my husband to do something nice for me because what I am doing nothing to deserve it.  Sure I make the family dinner each day, keep the house clean, teach my youngest home school, make sure the family's schedule runs smoothly and much more......but SO WHAT!  I might have just been able to tell you all those GOOD things I do but none of them matter because I can't loose this disgusting weight and I physically feel pain from it!

     Which leads me to my newest issue, pain.  The pain in my feet is coming back.  It used to be so bad I could barely walk and when I lost 100+ lbs back in 2009 it practically went away. That's right, gone!  Well it's taken about 5 yrs but it's back.  It's started in the last month or so. But not just my feet now, also my knees & lower back.  First thing in the morning or during the night I have to grab onto the bed & dresser just to make it to the bathroom.  During the day at times when I go from room to room I have to lean over and the limp/hobble dance that has become my 'new move" must make me look like a real weirdo.  Not to mention when I power through it when I do try to exercise.  Yes there  have been a few times when I get up and go to the local walking track, I turn on the tunes and in about an hour or so I am able to complete 3 miles.  I power through it but later that day I pay for it so badly.  I don't know how much longer my feet will
hold out.
Earlier this year in the spring (during one of my 'trys') I registered for and completed my first 5K.  It was tough, I did it in just under 1 hr and I wasn't the last person across the finish line. Yeah for me right?  I was so proud, was gonna frame my #badge (is that what they call the number you wear on your chest?) with a pic of me crossing the finish line and my time. It was going to be my motivation. But something (not sure what) derailed me shortly after...and.....with my hands in the air, (like this picture shows), I gave up.  Where is my #badge I was so proud of now......I really don't know.  I would be too ashamed to look at it anyway.

     I have been watching Extreme Weigh Loss w/ Chris Powell this season, well sort of watching. It's hard to watch.  I am mixed up with so many emotions when I do. I cry through all of them. I think, "if someone like that (Chris) believed in me enough to devote all that time into helping me figure out why I struggle like I do, maybe it would help me believe me!  I get angry when I watch because I wasn't chosen, I've mentioned in my posts in the past about how I came so close.
     CAN YOU BELIEVE they called me AGAIN this year and had the nerve to say that they saw something special in me from my previous submissions and really wanted me to come and apply for this year?????  In my mind I was thinking, if I was so special why did you not pick me LAST YEAR and at the same time there was a glimmer of hope that maybe this was my year.  Of course I told the producer that I was so crushed from not being chosen and that it sent me into such a depression that I could not take that kind of rejection again.  So that was that.

IT'S A GOOD DAY :)

Well today has been a good day thus far.  I made it to the gym for my workout with my trainer, he will probably have that video up soon on Facebook and I will try to post it here.  I was feeling really good today, got on the scale and lost a little which made me FINALLY  break through the 261.2 mark!!  So I got dressed and headed out the door and just focused on feeling good and getting out.  

That is how we have to look at this, we can't pick a date or event to loose weight by. We shouldn't even pick that "perfect number" we have

to reach on the scale.  Sure we have to be realistic and recognize a healthy weight for our bodies but it's about making good choices.  Every day I say, "today I will do my best"  even if I have something that may be...well....not the healthiest choice IT'S OK!  Cause 1 cookie, or slice of cake or bowl of chips is not going to wreck my progress.

It's the BAG of cookies, the HALF of a cake or the BAG of chips for day after day that will do it.  

So we have to quit punishing ourselves and just make small changes. Quit focusing on what the end results will be and FOCUS ON TODAY.  Focus on each and every little change you make, APPLAUD yourself for making it and look forward to the next. When we do that we WILL get results but more importantly we will learn to love and be proud of ourselves along the way.

Isn't' that what we really want, to be happy with who we are and what we do each day?  That is what I want, to be happy with me.

So I applaud all of you, I pat you on the back and say "Good Job" and I send you (((Hugs))) because I know how hard this is and I know how falling down sucks and I know what it feels like to "start again" ...  BUT  ...  we did start again, we did pick ourselves up and we WILL be successful .........

TOGETHER.......

Remember Me?

     I can't believe it's has been ALMOST 2 months since my last post. That is so bad, I feel bad. I've had some friends ask if I still had my blog and I reluctantly say yes. So why haven't I posted?  To be brutally honest...... I'm embarrassed.

     I'm ashamed I haven't been the encouraging person I've wanted to be. I'm embarrassed to post that I'm NOT beating my struggles but in fact letting them beat me.  I've given in, hidden, shrunk back, cheated, been lazy, you name it, I have probably done it........EXCEPT for given up. 

     What was different this time is I recognized I was struggling, I could feel the stress and see how I was responding and even though I was aware I was not being triumphant all the time.  That, I feel, is an importent part of my journey, being aware of how you feel when you are doing whatever you are doing.  If we can do that ....  we are learning ...  And learning is all part of the process right?

     In the last 2 months I have been an intentional dieter. I hate to use the "D" word but it's the best way I can think to describe it. You know, I start my day out eating right and my "intention" is to continue through out the day BUT something will happen and I veer off.  I "intend" to start the next day better but ....... You all know what I mean. Now during the last 2 months I did keep taking the Garcinia Cambosia periodically. (especially when I knew I was about to eat a meal that was well...."off plan"). So when I got back on he scale today ( and yes, I have been avoiding the scale like the plague)  it's wasn't as bad as it could have been. 

     The last time I weighed was approximately in the beginning of Sept and I weighed 261.2. I was down 31.2 lbs. I was so happy, that meant that "intentional dieting" and the Garcinia had helped me not put back on any weight, I even lost 1.4 lbs. because the week prior time weighing myself I had cleaned up my diet a bit following Chris Powell's carb cycling plan. But again I let "things" get in the  way of putting my eating plan first, I didn't plan ahead and allowed myself to get too hungry, the you grab whatever. You know the drill. 

     So it brings me to this week. I have been tired of just letting what I want fall to the wayside. Sure I could give up on all this but INSIDE that's not what I really want. What I really want is to be successful, loose this weight, FEEL BETTER and be happy with ME! 

     So I got on the scale Monday morning Oct. 1, drum roll please.................

                    

                           263.6 lbs.          

     Yep, I had put on 2.4 lbs in the last month. Now, I realize some of you are going "I can't do that in a weakened, heck, and afternoon". Well me too. But with the off and on eating I had been doing and taking the Garcinia I managed ony 2.4 for the whole month. That is good for me. Now I could focus on the negative (which is what's normally do) but I immediately didn't. 

POSITIVES:

1- it was only 2.4 lbs & could have been more

2- I am AWARE and taking action now before I let it go higher. 

     So that is where I am. I'm not 100% yet from being sick but SO WHAT!  I have missed several workouts but SO WHAT! I am getting back on the horses I am taking action. 

                           I AM PICKING MYSELF BACK UP,  BY MYSELF,  FOR MYSELF!

     So I hope to be better for all this and finish off 2013 with some good numbers. 

Have a GREAT WEEK everyone and a GREAT OCTOBER!