As women we are our worst critics.
But I don't think yesterday was about criticism. Yesterday was just not going to be a good one. When I woke up I just felt wrong. I felt like something was out of place or undone. I I got up & got dressed I could sense a drag to my feet that is usually not there. I had felt this feeling before and I knew it meant a day of sadness BUT maybe I was just still groggy and sleepy. Before I went downstairs i went over to my dresser and pulled out my measuring tape. I thought "let's just see if there is an inch difference". So I proceeded to enter all my measurements into the app & when I was done I compared them to my initial entry 5 1/2 weeks ago:
Waist: 5 in. lost
Arm: 1.5 in. lost
Chest: 4 in. lost
Thigh: 1 in. Lost
Hips: 2.5 in. Lost.
Total Inches: 14 inches Gone!
I should have been ecstatic. Right? But as I put the measuring tape away and picked up my phone all I could think about is "Why don't I See it?". I have been really working hard to avoid the emotional eating binges, trying to work out with my mew trainer, stay upbeat and positive so I didn't have a lapse so why can't I look in the mirror and go "lookin' good"?
I knew from the beginning that I would have to loose AT LEAST 25 lbs before I would notice it in my clothes. When you are almost 300 lbs loosing 5 lbs, while great, does not show up on you like it does on a 150 lb person. I KNOW THIS! So why am I beating myself up??? BECAUSE that is what we do to ourselves ladies. We beat ourselves up for is WE KNOW we have no control over OR for things we know we shouldn't plain and simple.
So I walked downstairs to make my breakfast. Realizing I was beginning a rough day in the back of my mind I was still going to continue with my daily routine. I made my green protein smoothie as I was on Day 5 of Detox and filled my water bottle, grabbed my multi vitamin & cleanse pills and headed to the table. Apparently I had not screwed the lid on my red water bottle and the bottle dropped off and 28 oz. of fresh cold filtered water HIT the floor and went everywhere! Of course, it was now physically going to be a bad day. I rushed to clean up the water, filled it again, SCREWED on the lid and tried again to sit down. I checked email, surfed a little on the net and before I knew it it was time to leave for work.
I I drove to work at the gym I sat quietly in the car, face drooping due to the overwhelming sense of sadness that was covering me like a warm wet blanket and started to cry. I DON'T KNOW WHY I just started. There it is, a true sign that my emotions were going to show me who was boss today. I was able to compose myself before clocking in and after a few minutes of talking to my co-worker she could tell I was not my usual self. I tried to tell her a little about my morning between gym clients coming in and I told her how I had taken my measurements that morning. She was nothing but upbeat and positive and encouraging. She even said when she saw me at boot camp on Monday she could see a difference in my body & that my face was starting to thin a little. I just smiled and agreed with her that I have to look at the big picture, blah blah blah!
Does anyone else know what I am talking about? When you are having one of THOSE days, it doesn't matter how many positive words you hear, sometimes, depending on how bad the depression is that day, you can not hear it. It's like the teacher on those Charlie Brown
cartoons.....you know?
It's for that reason alone I HATE my emotions at times. it's like they won't allow me to be happy or smile or laugh or even look in the bright side.
It's for that reason alone I HATE my emotions at times. it's like they won't allow me to be happy or smile or laugh or even look in the bright side.
But I must power on. I went through my shift but was low and dragging. Still ate my healthy snack. Went home and had my healthy lunch. One thing I could say is at least I wasn't derailing, just low on the tracks. I wish I could say more but my afternoon was uneventful!
Dinner time finally came and I made my green smoothie and spaghetti for the family. Hubby was going to be home late so he would not be eating. DO YOU KNOW what the first thing I though when he told me that?? There will be extra spaghetti! Really??? I made myself my NutriSystem Spaghetti so why would I care, but that is where my mind went. I saw it coming. I had stayed away all day and now I was starting to test the waters. No Donna! No Donna? Just eat your portion. Well after making the girls plates I looked at theirs and thought, I will just add a little to mine (I had had this meal before, it didn't taste as good as mine did) and so I did. It was probably a tablespoon scoop I added, nothing crazy, and I ate my dinner. The evening went on for another hour and then the family left but I stayed home that night. I was so down still, I had been crying on and off. I had no desire to get dressed to go out for our Thursday meeting no did I want to face anyone or try to smile and hide it today like I have done sooooo many times. I was just not feeling it.
But staying home alone was a bad decision. It was really bad. Not as bad as it has been other times but I stepped off and went to the kitchen, I said to myself, "I WANT SOME CEREAL" and I said it in such a deserving voice like I was making a proclamation! Well all we had was cheerios and Total. Not really splurge cereals. So I had a bowl of Cheerios w/ my unsweetened Almond Milk. You know, as I type this out I am thinking to my self, "you are one crazy woman, watch out now", that is not really a splurge food but fortunately I didn't have any trigger foods in the house and this was the worst I cold find. Then I finished that bowl (and by the way, I got rid of all my BIG cereal bowls, hubby was not happy, all we have are little modest Corell bowls) and thought, I want another BUT I don't want the same cereal. I remembered seeing a small box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios in there and that is what I went for. Wild woman I know right. Ha! lol
Dinner time finally came and I made my green smoothie and spaghetti for the family. Hubby was going to be home late so he would not be eating. DO YOU KNOW what the first thing I though when he told me that?? There will be extra spaghetti! Really??? I made myself my NutriSystem Spaghetti so why would I care, but that is where my mind went. I saw it coming. I had stayed away all day and now I was starting to test the waters. No Donna! No Donna? Just eat your portion. Well after making the girls plates I looked at theirs and thought, I will just add a little to mine (I had had this meal before, it didn't taste as good as mine did) and so I did. It was probably a tablespoon scoop I added, nothing crazy, and I ate my dinner. The evening went on for another hour and then the family left but I stayed home that night. I was so down still, I had been crying on and off. I had no desire to get dressed to go out for our Thursday meeting no did I want to face anyone or try to smile and hide it today like I have done sooooo many times. I was just not feeling it.
But staying home alone was a bad decision. It was really bad. Not as bad as it has been other times but I stepped off and went to the kitchen, I said to myself, "I WANT SOME CEREAL" and I said it in such a deserving voice like I was making a proclamation! Well all we had was cheerios and Total. Not really splurge cereals. So I had a bowl of Cheerios w/ my unsweetened Almond Milk. You know, as I type this out I am thinking to my self, "you are one crazy woman, watch out now", that is not really a splurge food but fortunately I didn't have any trigger foods in the house and this was the worst I cold find. Then I finished that bowl (and by the way, I got rid of all my BIG cereal bowls, hubby was not happy, all we have are little modest Corell bowls) and thought, I want another BUT I don't want the same cereal. I remembered seeing a small box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios in there and that is what I went for. Wild woman I know right. Ha! lol
After that, I was done, I don't know WHAT those two bowls of cereal did for me, but this peace came over me, contentment and soothing was what I was feeling the whole time. I put all the cereal boxes back just like they were so no one would notice they had been tampered with and washed my bowl & spoon.
I carried the laundry upstairs, took a shower and went to bed. The whole time thinking,
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