YES, that is how I would describe myself, isn't awful. My weight defines me. I would describe myself as broken and not worth anyone else's trouble. But when I step back and actually listen to those words, its so sad and pitiful. I don't want to sound like that. I hate to hear other women describe themselves that way so why would I do it to myself?
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| NOT my favorite picture but.... |
Even thought I may define myself by my weight and understand now that I shouldn't, it's not an easy thing to do. So much has happened to me in my life. Some would turn their noses up and say what a baby but for me I don't think my troubles and hardships where anything to laugh at. When I sit down and talk it out others tell me 'well I understand why you eat' and for the moment that makes me feel good, it tells me there is a reason for my behavior, but honestly, it's not good behavior. I think the real challenge, the real struggle, the real hardship is yet to come....its going to be learning how to retrain my thoughts and emotions so that I deal with them in a healthy way and not turn to food.
For SO LONG I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. The secret eating, the quick stops at fast food joints, the binges so uncontrollable until I couldn't eat another bite. I only started talking about this in the last year (yes I am about to turn 40), actually recognizing that it was something I was doing and admitting I needed help. But guess what I have come to realize, when you have a 'drug' problem, people surround you, want to help you and you are able to REMOVE that drug from your life and live a clean & sober life. When your DRUG is FOOD, people see you totally different. First you can remove all food from your life, you need it. Imagine telling a meth or cocaine addict that they could only have 1 hit a day or something weird like that. (I have NEVER taken any drugs in my life so honestly my knowledge on a 'hit' or whatever is by no means accurate) but if they had to CUT BACK on their usage would they ever be free from the drug? NO So when you drug is Food, you have to learn HOW to manage it in your life while still 'enjoying' it. Now just think about that for a minute and see how crazy that actually is. So that is what I have to learn to do? GREAT!
So now you know just a little of what my struggles are, I will go into it more later on and I hope you will tell me what you think and share if you are in this with me. I think learning that we are not alone and are NO BROKEN is a huge part of beginning the healing process.
But here are just a few stats on me, my name is Donna Jean (I lost the combo name at about 13 but have always liked it, my sisters called me Deej) I am 39 yrs old, will turn 40 in September. NO shame here! lol I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful man who was actually my first real boyfriend growing up, so nice to know life can make a big circle and you can be with someone who loves you so unconditionally. I have 2 beautiful daughters, one about to graduate high school and the other in elementary (who I will begin homeschooling next school year). So our life is quite busy with jobs and schedules and just getting by.
I have so much to tell you, so much to share, I actually don't know where to begin so I will just type and hopefully I will get caught up enough to keep you posted on the day to day of this coming year of finally conquering my eating issues, getting my weight under control and I hope to help someone else along the way because I WISH there had been someone to help me.
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