Let's Get Caught Up to Date......Weeks 1 & 2

Good morning, it's an average Thursday morning. I got up before the alarm because I love when the house is quiet and I can sit and sip my tea, listen to the news and check email, I think it's my favorite time of the day.  Just so peaceful and soothing.

I want to apologize for a moment really quick too, I know this blog is probably not the most 'chronological' for events.  As I go forward more of my history will come out, but I've started & stopped it so many times thinking it would be a waste of time and then also that it would not be 'perfect', that it wouldn't read well......BUT I have to go with m y gut and do it. I'm not a professional blogger or writer, I'm just a woman who is tired of being left out.  At least that is how I feel. I always "miss the bus" for opportunities and I'm tired of that, so I am creating my own.

I feel like a fighter, lord knows my family and I have had our fair share of trials that we have fought through and are still here together and moving forward, but I also feel like there is a true

fighter inside of  me just dying to break out, one who knows what she wants and INSTEAD of hoping and waiting for it to come to her SHE GOES AND GETS IT.  Yeah I said that, pretty cheesy huh. But I feel like it's in me BUT......she is so weak. SOOOO many other things are able to knock her down and stand up instead:  the kids, the husband, feeling tired, chips & salsa, Mexican food, ice cream......OK I gotta STOP this (I'm gonna start a craving if I don't) Sip my tea Donna, just sip my tea.

See, I've already gotten off track with today's post, I started this morning to get you up to day as to where I am right now. So I started my new quest on Tuesday May 14, 2013. I set up all my pre-packaged foods into groups, (breakfast, lunch, dinner & snacks) and had my extras for additions; skim milk, non-fat yogurt, fresh veggies and one of my favorites, HUMMUS!

So starting out on that Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale and cried. I was at my official highest I have ever weighed, 292.4 lbs.  Really, is that what I have allowed my body to become. Is that what I have done to this body, this gift of life???  This is too much to take in, I feel defeated before I even start.  But this year is about CHANGING they way I think, I obviously need to do things differently so suck it up Donna and move on.  So here is a quick snap shot;

Current weight:   292.4 lbs

My goal weight:   145 lbs

My Height:   5' 4" tall

Total pounds to loose: 147 lbs

Will I be able to do this in 1 year all on my own, and "on my own" I mean with out the Biggest Loser team or Chris Powell at my side? I don't know, I have tried & fails SO MANY TIMES and also lost and gained it back every time that at this moment I fear it will be just another one of those times, but if I don't start I can't finish and I am MAD AS HECK that I wasn't chosen to be on the show, so I am going to turn that anger into fuel to prove that I was worth it.

Week 1:  It went well, I was surprisingly happy to know that the pre-packaged foods tasted really good (I'm not going to lie I was really worried despite what people said on the message boards) If you don't like the food you are eating you will not stick to it.  I followed it to the 'T', even adding in  the additional 'smart carbs' and 'power fuels' to my daily intake because I have over 100 lbs to loose.  Results: Monday May 20, just 6 days after I started, I stepped on the scale to see if what I had done all week worked:

282.2 lbs

I lost 10.2 lbs!!!!!!  I can't believe it, I was so happy and in that exact moment my head kicks in. You always loose a lot the first week. It's probably mostly water cause you ate out all the weekend prior because of you anniversary and this week you cut back on the sodium, blah blah blah blah.

Then hubby tells me to stop. Who CARES what it was or why it was. REGARDLESS, the SCALE says it all, 6 days later, regardless of the reason(s) I am 10.2 lbs lighter.  So I just try to focus on the positive, I did something right and clearly I am headed in the right direction.  But to be honest, the entire day there is this little voice in the back of my head telling me all these little excuses as to why the 10.2 lbs isn't really a big deal, a real accomplishment.  But I still tell my co-workers & my friends and they are happy for me.....so why can't I be happy for me ? Why won't I allow  myself to be proud of myself. I DON'T KNOW!  But I have to push on.

Over the last 2 years I have not been able to stay on a diet or "eat healthy" for more than 2 weeks. So that is another negative talk that keeps jumping up in front of me.  WHY am I trying to kill my progress so quickly? These are the things I don't understand and I don't know how to work through it.  This is the main reason I wanted help, I asked for help, I begged for help. BUT.....

Week 2: May 27 I step on the scale and what did the second week produce:

279.8 lbs

OK, so not as great as week 1, but if you have ever watched the BL then you know that the week after loosing a lot of weight your body rebounds and you don't loose quite as much. Also, I had a bad day, a really bad day on the 20th. Yeah I know, on the same day I found out I lost 10.2 lbs.  But for some reason that day as it went on I started having a bad day emotionally. At the time I didn't know why or what was causing it all I know is that I ended up going 'off plan' and I binged. Fortunately there wasn't a lot of junk food in the house so I ate only what I could find. A block of cream cheese, little by little on bread. A big bowl of plain Cheerios. About 3 or 4 mini candy bars (I would have eaten more but I have learned to only eat what won't be noticed), there were a couple of other items but now I can't remember them. They were not the most terrible but by now my total calorie count is WAY more than it should have been. Is this was caused me to only loose 2.4 lbs, I don't know.  It was hard to recover from that day. the following 2 days by the end of the day a part of me wanted to really just BLOW the whole thing but I knew I couldn't, there was no turning back. So at my afternoon snack and/or dinner I had some extras I probably shouldn't have but I still ate my foods.  I guess you could say that these binge moments this week, compared to my past miss-behaviors was tame but only cause I didn't have the foods in the house.

So my take away from weeks 1 & 2 and my advice would be this:

1: JUST START, you can't finish if you don't start. You will make mistakes and if you are like me, a perfectionist when dieting, just take those mistakes and keep going. You know you will make them so don't get made, just make it and get right back on. AND

2: DON'T HAVE THE CRAP IN THE HOUSE!  That really has saved me.  If it had been in the house I would have eaten it during those weak moments (and believe me, I have had PLENTY of them) but when you do "The Scout" where you open the fridge or pantry and are looking for who knows what, if you don't see it you won't eat it.  And since it took so long to find something BECAUSE my normal go to foods were not there, I was able to think "What am I doing" and walk away.  Don't worry I did come back about 15 min later to do the "The Scout" again but still, those foods were not there so I found something else to do.  

So for 2 weeks I have lost 12.6 lbs which on the whole is not so bad.  I still think about how much better I could have done had I not slipped BUT I made it two week and now I must move on.  Let go of the perfectionism and when I fall get back up.  That is sooooo much harder to do than say. But I am going to give it a try.